Crystal Rick
by mrmattimation
Summary: Rick and Morty space out, broh. Morty is tired of his grandfather's whack behavior.
1. Chapter 1: Rick-less Endangerment

Space. The final frontier. Space is… empty. And stuff. Research suggests the known universe consists mostly of space, and space is 99% empty. Nobody really knows what "space" is. Some people aren't even a hundred percent convinced that "space" is a thing that exists. You might think that's silly, but this narrator likes to keep an open mind to the idea that space is just a hologram, invented by Obama to pad out the universe like a mildly entertaining Dragon Ball filler arc.

In this dimension, Dimension C-131, space is ostensibly not a hologram. Space Dimension C-131 is a very real place where very real planets orbit a very real sun which itself orbits a very real black hole in the center of the very real Milky Way Galaxy.

Besides this, however, space is still a mostly empty place. Between the planets and stars and asteroids and comets and nebulae and such is a vast sea of absolutely jack shit. This, of course, made the straight-up space car flying through it all the more noticeable. Not that there was anybody in space to _notice_ it, because again, space is empty.

We join the inhabitants of this car—an elderly, alcoholic, seventy year-old genius inventor and his teenaged grandson—midway through a rather mundane conversation. _But in space._

"So you see, Morty," the older man spoke, leaving only one hand on the wheel and hardly paying attention to the metaphorical road as he did so, "really, the whole 'pyramid scheme' thing is really, really profitable. But—" the man burped— "but you gotta make sure you're at the top, Morty."

His grandson—Morty—leaned back in his seat and pondered his grandfather's words. "Gee, Rick, that's— I mean, you know, I feel like that's kind of self-explanatory. I mean, you know, the people at the top are at the top for a reason, you know? It's GETTING there that's the problem, you know?"

Rick rolled his eyes. "Okay Morty, well, you aren't getting it. What's the smallest part of a pyramid?"

"The top?"

"Exactly, M-oh, Morty. The smallest part is the top. The bottom is big, and fat, and can fit a lot of people." Rick pointed a finger at the floor, as if to make a point about the people at the bottom. "See, Morty, all those other idiots, down there, at the bottom, they- they're trying to recruit all these new buyers, or members in their special little clubs, or whatever, and the problem is that the more people there are involved in a scheme, the less people you can GET involved."

"Okay, but—"

"I'm not finished, _Morty_ , shut up for a second. Morty. Okay. So the scheme grows exponentially. Right? It's— it's unsustainable. Only the people at the top profit. So HOW do you get to the top of a scheme that's already running itself into the ground, Morty?"

"I don't know, Rick. How do you—"

"You recruit the creator of the scheme into your own scheme, Morty. He's sitting on all of this money, all of these people, he thinks— you know, that he can afford to lose some of it, so you go to him, Morty. All of the money funnels upwards—"

Morty glared at his grandfather. "Are you trying to scam some dangerous alien CEO? Is that what we're on our way to do?" he asked.

"Listen Morty, this guy is the Mark Zuckerberg of Tilapias IX. He's willing to invest in a lot of crazy shit, you know, Mark Zuckerberg bought Oculus just because he could. I- I think I know what I'm talking about, Morty. You know, the people of Tilapias IX, they've never seen Rubik's Cubes before. Blows their fucking mind. They have lasers and spaceships and little pills that give you x-ray vision, but they don't have Rubik's Cubes. We could make a fortune, Morty."

"Selling Rubik's Cubes."

"No, Morty, it's a scam, weren't you listening?" Rick scolded his grandson. "We're going to TELL them that if they give us money, they can be a part of our Rubik's Cube operation, then we're going to bail as soon as we have the money. Then we get to keep the money AND the Rubik's Cubes."

Morty sighed and glared out the window. "Okay, Rick." A moment of silence passed as Morty stared out the window. Realizing something, he raised an eyebrow. "Hey, you know Rick, I don't— this doesn't look like a part of space I've seen before. I don't recognize it."

"Well, yeah, no shit, Morty, it's _space_ ," Rick burped. "Space is vast and empty and nothing is ever in the same place twice, and it all looks the same. We could have been here a million times over and you still wouldn't recognize it."

"Aw, jeez Rick, you know, I guess— yeah, you know, you're right about that."

"With that being said, you're absolutely right, we've never been to this part of space before." Rick glanced out the window and stared at the emptiness. "This is a pretty rough neighborhood, Morty, I- I try not to take you out here, you know? But the stupid Galactic Federation put a god damn toll booth between Gazorpazorp and the Tilapias system, so we have to take this road."

"It's— but it's SPACE," Morty said, confused. "I don't— Rick I don't understand, we can just GO AROUND the toll booth, we're not on any roads."

"Just don't— don't think about it too hard, Morty. Trust me, I've tried every solution that's about to make its way into your mind because I thought of them first."

Morty simply blinked, a stupid look appearing on his face. He then turned to stare back out the window. "Hey, uh, Rick? We're not— we aren't moving."

"It's perspective, Morty, all of those stars are very far away, we're going thousands of miles an hour."

Morty looked down and noticed a rather tiny planet inhabited by rather tiny people, right outside his window. The planet was about the size of a basketball, and Morty could see little spots that looked like civilizations dotted all around the planet. "We're not moving, Rick. There's— there's a planet of little people outside our window. We aren't moving."

Rick's unibrow curled as he raised one side. Taking a sip from his flask, he glanced down at the computer monitor on his dashboard to see just what the hell was going on. His eyes widened with alarm. "Oh, shit."

"What?"

Rick started frantically hitting buttons around the cockpit. "Jesus Christ, Morty, we're in a tractor beam!"

"What?!"

"We were maintaining a low profile, how— Why the fuck would they tractor beam some tiny piece of space junk like that?!"

"Rick, do you know the people that have us?!"

Rick burped. "Sssshhhut up Morty! I need to focus! Hand me that screwdriver!"

Morty glanced around, noticing a screwdriver sitting at the top of the tool box in the back seat. He reached back to grab it, but stopped when he saw the shadow looming above him. Morty stared up out the back window and saw a rather large object approaching. His eyes widened.

"J-Jesus Christ, Rick, what the fuck is that?!"

"Just hand me the screwdriver, Morty!"

Morty did as he was told and handed his grandfather the screwdriver. "Oh jeez, Rick, what are we gonna do?!"

"Don't worry, Morty!" Rick yelled as he began to unscrew a panel underneath the dashboard. "I've got it all under control, as usual. J-just shut your trap for three seconds, they aren't going to get us, Morty. I'm gonna— I'm gonna blow up the car."

"WHAT?!" Morty yelled, taken aback. "Jesus Christ, Rick, put the screwdriver down!"

"Morty, these people, they're bad people Morty!"

"YOU'RE bad people!"

Morty began to grab at the screwdriver, which he and Rick started to wrestle over. "Morty, think about it. Think about all of the SERIOUSLY fucked up things you've seen on these adventures. If I had a REASON for not taking you to this part of space, you better believe it was a damn good reason! I wasn't—I wasn't keeping you away from here for shits and giggles, Morty!"

"Rick, put it down!"

"They want my portal gun formula, Morty! These assholes have been trying to get it for years!"

Morty successfully tackled Rick to the floor of their car, preventing him from blowing it up and killing them both. "Rick! For god's sake, can't we go on one god damned adventure without you trying to blow us up?!"

"Let go of me, Morty!"

Suddenly, the door opened, and Rick and Morty fell out, landing in a heap on a cold, metal floor. They were no longer in space.

"Rick, I think we're on their ship." Morty looked up, and noticed several humanoid aliens towering over them. "Aw, jeez, listen, uh, we were just—"

"Coming with us," the center alien—their leader, probably—growled. The alien sounded female, Morty decided, though honestly when you're in space, the entire concept of gender tends to go out the window. At least they spoke English.

"Right," Morty muttered. "Look, we— alright."

"Great going, _Morty_ ," Rick said as he and Morty were pulled off of the floor by their captors. "You ever sit there and think, you know, maybe there's a reason grandpa was trying to kill us both? We're at the mercy of the Authority now, Morty, and they are piiiiissed at me."

Morty glanced again at their captors and took note of the diamond-shaped insignias on each of their chests. "They're mad at you. So what you're saying is they'll let me leave?"

"Evil is petty, Morty, they'll kill you just for being in the same room as me." Rick glanced at the aliens escorting them. "Actually, they'll probably kill the escort, too."

One of the aliens—a purple one with long hair—leaned over to her leader, an orange alien with slightly shorter hair and red markings on her face. "Hey, they're not going to shatter us, right?"

The leader shrugged. "I'm sure Our Diamond is in a good mood today."

"Oh, the Diamonds are on this ship, are they?" Rick asked. "Morty. New plan. We're blowing this whole ship to kingdom come."

"We heard that," one of the guards sighed.

"Yeah, I wanted you to. Also, I don't care, we're still going to blow it up."

"Rick!" Morty hissed.

"Besides which," the guard said, glaring at Rick, "they are NOT on this ship. We will be taking you to them, however."

Rick glanced around at the ship's walls. "This place is in—it's in a real sorry state. What, did all of the Peridot technicians call in sick today?"

"What the hell's a Peridot?" Morty asked.

"They're like the car mechanics of this species' planet, Morty. S-see, these aliens have a sort of mineral-based caste system. More precious minerals are at the top, and the shittier ones are at the bottom. The Peridots are like the second- or third-lowest rank. So like I was saying, where are they at?"

"Peridots were deemed obsolete and purged last week," the leader responded casually. "We don't really know. There aren't any more of them, I don't think. Three of them went to Earth in the last two light years."

"Light years measure distance, dipshit."

"As I was saying, one of them failed her mission and the other two went rogue. Must be a defective batch, or something."

"Hey, you hear that, Morty?" Rick said, leaning over to his grandson. "They're 'defective'. You got us captured by Space Hitler. Proud of yourself?"

"Knock it off, Rick. You use the 'Space Hitler' excuse at least once a month."

"Listen Morty, I'm just saying that space has a lot of creatures comparable to or worse than Hitler. The Authority is definitely worse than Hitler."

Rick and Morty were taken to what appeared to be the ship's bridge. Morty stared at the captain's seat, which was helmed by an adorable-looking midget with red skin and cube-shaped hair. Rick started laughing.

"Are you serious?!" he said, saliva forming at his bottom lip as his laugh caused him to spit up a bit of his earlier drink. "Y-you're kidding, right? What, you were out of Peridots, so you decided that the next best pilot was a _Ruby_?"

"Aw jeez, Rick, you know, that— that might be a little racist, you know, like saying that Hispanics can't be doctors or that Asians can't be bus drivers."

Rick glared at his grandson. "Okay, first of all, no, and second of all, this species isn't LIKE us, Morty. At the end of the day, our skin color doesn't matter because we're all made of the same stuff. Theirs does." Rick pointed at the Ruby in the captain's seat. "Rubies are professionally retarded, Morty. It's literally in their job description. They were designed to be that way so that they don't question orders. If a Puerto Rican guy wants to be a brain surgeon, he can do that, I don't give a shit. If a Ruby wants to do anything other than Hulk Smash her enemies, she's gonna have a real tough time, Morty."

"Please shut up," one of the guards groaned. "You two are so annoying."

"Hey, so NONE of you are questioning that purge?" Rick continued. "You guys are all going to outlive your usefulness one day, that's all I'm saying."

"Set a course for Homeworld," one of the guards said to the Ruby on the captain's seat, who nodded and began charting a course.

"Strap in, Morty," Rick said as he retrieved a flask from his coat pocket. "Th-" he belched "-this is gonna be a good one."

The aliens' home world was not far. Morty stared out the window in awe as the ship approached the planet.

"There it is, Morty," Rick grabbed his grandson around the shoulder and drew him in closer as he gestured toward the planet with his free hand. "Geminga 7, the Gem Homeworld. I-imagine if Stalin had his own planet. That's what this planet is, Morty. Even the Galactic Federation won't fuck with these guys, that's how hardcore they are."

"What do they do?" Morty asked.

"Mostly colonize other planets," Rick responded. "If a planet hasn't gotten it, they either are about to or already have and you just don't know about it. Gazorpazorp probably has like a million and one kindergartens on it, just waiting to hatch super soldiers."

"So why haven't they colonized Earth?"

Rick shrugged. "They were on Earth at some point. Why they left? Don't ask me, it's not for me to say, it was thousands of years ago." Rick stared at the planet once more as the ship entered its atmosphere. "Alright, I'm bored of this, let's get out of here," he said as he retrieved his portal gun. "Field trip's over, we're leaving." Rick attempted to open a portal on the floor. Strangely, however, nothing happened. He clicked the trigger again. Everyone on the bridge was staring at him. He continued to click the trigger, and his eyes widened. "Oh, shit, Morty, what have you done?!"

"Me?!"

"You friggin' dope, Morty, you broke it!"

Morty glared at his grandfather. "How did I break it?! You were the one holding it!"

"It must have been damaged when you tackled me to the floor, Morty!"

"Alright, calm down you two," a Ruby commanded as she and two others pushed Rick and Morty through the ship. "The Capital is a short walk from here."

Rick raised one end of his unibrow. "The Capital? Aren't you— are you going to take us to that zoo you normally take prisoners to?"

The Ruby chuckled. "I don't think so, Sanchez. You've been on the Great Diamond Authority's hit list for years. I'm sure they'd love to get re-acquainted."

Rick nodded. "Aha. Gotcha. Alright, Morty, these guys know me. We're fucked."

"What did you do?"

"It's not about what _I_ did, Morty. It's about what one of the many infinite other versions of me did." Rick gestured out to the sky as he and his grandson were led across a large bridge, suspended in midair seemingly by magic. "You know, the Citadel probably had more than one encounter with more than one version of the Authority. Ricks like to get up in other Ricks' businesses like that."

"Rick."

"With that being said, I do seem to recall involving the Gems in some kind of a pyramid scheme."

"Rick!"

"Profit is profit, Morty."

Morty rolled his eyes and glared ahead as they continued to the capital. This was nothing new, which should have made him angrier, but honestly, Morty had been desensitized to this sort of reckless endangerment from his grandfather. It made him angry that he couldn't get angry, of course, but all Morty could really feel about the situation right now was annoyance.

He was just annoyed.


	2. Chapter 2: The Morty Defense

Morty glared at the wall. The Gems had separated him from Rick, which was fine by him. He now sat in a prison cell, awaiting what was probably his doom. Right about now, Morty was feeling pretty fed up with how often he seemed to be awaiting what was probably his doom. He was tired of being guilty by association.

This happened every single week. Every. Single. Week. In a given ten-week period, eight weeks were spent getting into messes caused by Rick (one week is usually spent watching TV, and another is, admittedly, a mess caused by Morty himself). With this all in mind, he could be forgiven for becoming bored of this routine.

 _Bored_. Morty was _bored_. Morty was _bored_ of his life not being _boring._ He was _bored_ of his grandfather's antics, he was _bored_ of going to other planets, he was _bored_ of almost dying, and he was _bored right now._

Morty crossed his arms and sighed, sliding his back along the wall as he moved to take a seat. After a few minutes of brooding, one of the walls began to glow, and a Gem stepped through. This one was taller than the Rubies, though not as tall as the other soldiers Morty saw. Her dark blue skin made her stick out in the otherwise totally white room. Her nose also stuck out, literally in this case, and Morty couldn't help but wonder how she was able to hold her head up with the large crescent-shaped helmet she wore—or maybe it was her hair.

The thing that stood out to Morty the most, however, is that she didn't appear to be a soldier. Morty couldn't think of soldiers that wore monocles and ascots, at least.

"Aw, jeez," the Gem muttered. "Do you know how much trouble you're in?"

"Aw jeez, man, I don't know," Morty responded.

"Aw jeez, you know, I have NO idea how I'm going to get you out of this, aw jeez."

"Aw jeez, that's—" Morty paused. "Wait, are you breaking me out?"

"Oh, heavens, no!" the Gem responded, seemingly shocked by the question. "It'd be difficult to prove your innocence if you escaped. It's a guilty-person thing to do."

"Prove my innocence? You mean like a lawyer?" Morty tilted his head. "A-am I going on trial?"

"Uh, yes? You've been accused of a crime, of course you're going on trial."

Morty shrugged. "You don't have to try. Rick is 100% guilty of whatever they say he is, so—"

"Oh, for crying out loud!" the Gem yelled. "How come every time I'm appointed to defend a prisoner, they're completely, unapologetically guilty?"

"I'm sorry for being guilty?" Morty said, confused. "Wait, wait, hold on. They already want to kill me. What's a trial going to do?"

"Nothing, probably," the Gem shrugged, pacing the room. "But I'm already in hot water with my boss after that incredibly ugly, malformed Rose Quartz came through here. If I screw up another trial, I'm done!"

"So find a new job."

"Literally done! They will shatter my gem!"

"Oh." Morty didn't know if the physical gem was actually important. "Is that important? Like- like a status symbol or something?"

The Gem glared at Morty. "You're trying to get us both killed, aren't you?"

Morty looked back down at the floor. "Aw, jeez, I don't know. I guess I'm just tired."

Silence.

"You're tired. Great." The Gem sighed and placed her face in her hands. Morty felt a little bad now, as the doomed Gem in front of him seemed just as tired as he did. The difference was that Rick was going to get them out of this, and he'd live another week to get into some other mess. This Gem? She probably wouldn't last the night. Or day, or whatever time it was on this planet.

"Have you spoken with my grandfather yet?" Morty asked. The Gem nodded.

"The inebriated human? Unfortunately. He's being uncooperative."

"Yeah, that— that sounds like him." Morty shook his head. "Listen. He's really stubborn. He's going to admit to everything he's accused of, but WON'T admit to any wrongdoing. So if you ACTUALLY want to help us, we have to convince the judge that it was actually the Authority's fault he scammed them."

"You want me to victim blame."

"Yeah."

The Gem shook her head. "Impossible, I'm afraid. Let's just say… the judge has a personal stake in the matter."

"Who's the judge?"

The Gem tapped her fingers together nervously. "Yellow Diamond. One of our leaders. And the one that Sanchez scammed."

"Aw, jeez," Morty groaned. "I-I-I-okay, what outcome is least likely to get you killed?"

"If you submit a guilty plea off the bat, they'll probably let me off easy."

"So that's what we'll do."

"Excuse me? You can't—"

Morty held a hand up. "Listen, I appreciate that you're trying to help, uh…?"

"Zircon."

"Zircon. Right. I-I'm Morty. Listen, Rick and I get into messes like this all of the time." Morty rubbed his arm and glanced away. "It's kind of our thing. But we can also get ourselves out of it. So you don't—you don't need to worry about it. Just enter our guilty plea."

Morty looked up to see that Zircon was kind of just giving him a worried stare. She shrugged, however, and glanced away. "As you wish. Are you ready?"

"Uh, I guess."

"Alright." Zircon held up a cloth. "Put this over your face."

"What?"

"You aren't allowed to see the layout of the palace. You need to wear this blindfold while being transported to the execution chamber."

"You mean courtroom?"

Zircon shrugged. "Same thing, more or less."

"A-aw, jeez, okay, I guess," Morty sighed. Following orders, he tied the cloth around his head, allowing himself to be blinded while he was led to the courtroom.

When the blindfold was finally taken off, Morty still couldn't see much. The room was dark. He could only see Zircon, who stared nervously up into the darkness. Glancing a little further, he saw Rick in front of some sort of podium. He looked a little bored, leaning into it like he had somewhere more important to be.

"Rick!" Morty hissed. "Do you have a plan to—" Suddenly, the lights flared on. "Shit! Ah, uh, who's there?"

Zircon stood up straight and began to perform some sort of salute. Confused, Morty looked where she was looking, and was immediately startled by what he saw, stepping backwards and yelping slightly.

"Rick Sanchez," began a large, foreboding figure who sat in a large throne. "I've been DYING to speak with you once again."

Morty's eyes widened. This must be Yellow Diamond. She certainly was yellow. And huge. And terrifying.

Rick rolled his eyes. "Uh huh. Alright. Yeah, long time no see."

"Indeed. In fact, I believe the last time I saw a Rick was when he told me he could get me in on the ground level of a… _Rubik's Cube operation."_

"Well, you know, technically, I wasn't wrong," Rick retorted. "You WERE on the ground level of that operation. Your perceived losses were typical of someone on the ground level. So I filled my end of the bargain."

"Mhmm. You failed to mention that little detail."

"You didn't ask for details."

Yellow Diamond glared. "Don't get smart with me, Sanchez. I'm in a rather bad mood."

"Yeah, I could tell by all of the Peridots I didn't see on the way here."

Morty sighed and placed his hand over his face. When he looked back up, he noticed that attention had been drawn to him.

"And who might this be?" Yellow Diamond asked, leaning forward curiously. "This doesn't appear to be a Rick."

"Oh, uh, yeah, that's my grandson," Rick said, glancing over at Morty. "H-he's not—" he belched "—his name's Morty."

Yellow Diamond leaned back in her seat. "I see. And does this… Morty have any stake in the matter?"

"I-I do, Your Honor," Morty responded, stepping forward. "Uh, I-I- he's my ride home. And if you can help it, I'd like to be able to GET home, you know, I- I have school in the morning, you know?"

"Mhmm."

Rick raised a finger. "Oh, uh, one other thing. I want to talk to you about- about the, uh, the accommodations I've been given."

Yellow Diamond just stared at Rick. "Proceed."

"Yes, uh, the attorney here," Rick gestured to Zircon, "I'm wanting to fire her."

Zircon raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"...and, you know, I don't feel like she's doing any…"

"Who are you going to hire?" Yellow Diamond asked.

"Yeah, seriously!" Zircon said, glaring at Rick.

"I'm not gonna hire nobody," Rick responded, "I'm gonna try to—"

Morty cut him off. "I'm his new lawyer. My grandfather pleads guilty to all charges."

"Stay out of this, Morty!" Rick yelled. He returned his attention to Yellow Diamond. "So yeah, this lawyer said that if I wanted her to do a good job, I'd—"

"Rick!" Morty yelled.

"—I'd have to let her give me oral sex."

"I did no such thing!" Zircon protested. "This— this human threatened to violently—"

"She wanted me to eat her ass—"

"RICK!"

"He said that I represented the Israeli-Palestine conflict, whatever that means—"

"—and, you know, she also said, that if I didn't, that she would— that she would have had doctors at central state—"

"—my grandfather pleads guilty to all—"

" _ **SILENCE!**_ " the judge, jury, and executioner yelled, clearly bored with this discussion. Yellow Diamond adopted a pained, absolutely frustrated expression and massaged her forehead. "Does the defendant have anything to say on the matter, BESIDES the accusation that this Zircon apparently acted inappropriately?"

"No, your honor," Morty responded immediately, before his grandfather could. "My grandfather is mentally ill. H-he isn't fit to go on trial, so I'll do it in his place. And on his behalf, I plead guilty to all charges."

"Morty, this trial is a sham!" Rick yelled. "It's all a ploy to get my portal gun formula!"

"Oh, we were going to get that out of you one way or another," Yellow Diamond mentioned off-hand. "Regardless, your representative has pled guilty to all charges. Therefore, I sentence you to an eternity in the Inceptor. As for The Morty, he can go in the Zoo with the other humans."

"Aw, man."

Rick nodded. "Well, if that is your decision, then we have no choice but to— RUN MORTY, THESE IDIOTS DIDN'T PUT A FORCEFIELD AROUND THE BUILDING!" Rick bolted, grabbing his grandson on the way out. Yellow Diamond simply rolled her eyes. Rick came to a wall, then quickly turned to meet another wall. He glanced around. Walls on all four walls. "What the hell?"

"There aren't any doors," Yellow Diamond said, crossing her arms. "Would you like to keep trying?"

"That's impossible."

"Now then, please stop making a fool of—"

"How did we get in here, then?"

Yellow Diamond pinched her nose bridge. "Are you done?"

Rick scanned the room, there had to be something, some way he could—

Morty tapped one wall as he pressed his war against it. "This one's hollow," he said. "It— I think there was a window here before—WHOA!" Morty yelled as Rick grabbed him and they both crashed through the hollow wall. Unfortunately, there was no ground beneath them, and they began to plummet. "AH! Shit! Rick, do something!"

"God damn it!" Rick shouted, desperately looking for something that could stop them from hitting the ground at terminal velocity. He grabbed the portal gun from his pocket and pulled the trigger, again to no avail. He kept clicking. He just needed to create a portal so that he could impede their speed. Any dimension, any of them, would work, even the one that Rick C-137 (also known as "Terror Rick") screwed up and turned into a Cronenberg world. He clicked again. The green light inside the gun flashed, but nothing else happened.

Then it hit him. The gun was still emitting SOME power… just not enough to take them to another dimension. Maybe if he tried a shorter distance…

Rick clicked again. A portal appeared on the ground below them just before they hit it, and he and Morty were flung from a wall, landing painfully on a new floor, albeit, far less painfully than what they just avoided.

Morty groaned as they skidded across the floor. "Ah! Ow! Fuck, fuck, fuck me!" The two finally came to a halt, groaning in pain. "Ow… Rick… where are we?"

"Five feet over, Morty," Rick responded, getting back on his feet and pointing up. Morty stared at the skyscraper with a dumb look on his face.

"Aw, jeez Rick, do you— do you think they're gonna come after us?"

"Not a chance, Morty, they think we died from the fall." Rick pulled out a screwdriver from his coat pocket and began to tinker with the portal gun. "We just need to lay low until I can fix this stupid thing. Until then, don't touch anything, don't talk to anyone, don't eat any talking grapes, and ESPECIALLY don't use your cell phone to contact anybody. They'll be able to detect the signal."

"I don't– Rick, we're in space, there's no- I don't have reception."

"Shut up, Morty, I'm only saying this because I was sure you'd try it. Okay, now let's see, here…"

Morty glanced around as they walked through the city. "Hey, Rick, you know, there's—this place doesn't seem so bad, you know? It's like- you know, it's like New York, but everything is shiny." Rick and Morty walked past a platoon of Ruby soldiers.

"You two!" their leader stopped Rick and Morty. "Have you seen any…" she leaned forward and whispered, "...humans around?"

Rick blinked. "Yeah, that looks like a human to me," he said casually, pointing to a Ruby in the back.

"Huh?"

"Get her!" the lead Ruby shouted. Every Ruby piled onto the scapegoat Ruby, and Rick pushed Morty along.

"Rick!" Morty chastised. "You could have just led them down a dead end or something!"

"Couldn't take any chances, Morty." Rick continued to tinker with his portal gun. "Something's not right here. They were on high alert BEFORE we showed up. Like, higher alert than a military state usually is, or, at least higher than THIS military state usually is, anyway."

Morty adopted yet another dumb look on his face. "Hey, you know, Rick, they—those Rubies said they were looking for humans. If Yellow Diamond thinks we're dead, who were they looking for?"

Rick blinked. "I don't know, Morty. Things are a lot different now than the last time I was here. There- there used to be a door in that court room."

Morty sighed as they continued onwards, and as Rick continued to try and fix his portal gun. "This thing is busted good, Morty, you made a real mess of things this time," Rick said after a while.

" _I_ made a mess of things?"

"Yeah Morty, _you_ made a mess of things. You know, if you hadn't distracted me with your– with your stupid bullshit about how space looks different, I would have noticed that we'd been caught in a tractor beam and I could have DONE something about it, Morty, but now we're here on one of the most hostile planets in the galaxy and as always, _I_ have to be the one to get us out of it." Rick held up his portal gun. "Alright, that should do it. Come on Morty, let's blow this popsicle stand." Rick clicked the trigger; again, nothing happened. "...okay." Rick clicked again. No dice.

Morty blinked slowly. "Is it still broken?"

"Of course not, Morty, I'm a genius," Rick defended. "What's more likely is that there's a suppression field around the planet that prevents me from portaling off-world."

"Uh huh," Morty said, rolling his eyes. "Sure." Suddenly, a small, round drone descended in front of Rick and Morty. "Aw, jeez, Rick, what's— what is that?"

"Hold still Morty!" The drone began to scan the area, which freaked Morty out.

"Rick! What the hell—?!"

"Morty, don't move, if you move, you're dead Morty, quit shaking!"

The robot scanned the area thoroughly. It turned to Rick and Morty, and began to scan them as well. Morty shook nervously as the red light scanned them up and down. Finally done with him, the drone tuned to Rick, and Morty sighed in relief.

The drone did not like Rick. The second it scanned up to his pockets, it began blaring alarms. "Shit!"

"AH! Rick, what do you have?!"

Rick reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag of what appeared to be several green mineral shards. "I have Peridot shards, Morty! They really did kill all of them, I found some of their shards on the floor in one of the capital's rooms, Morty! Do you know how useful a mechanic would be around the house? I was going to grow my own Peridots, Morty, and—and have a whole army of mechanics! We've been needing a new dryer, Morty, you mom, she—she really wants a new dryer, a Peridot could have built one for her! And with an army of Peridots, who knows what we could do? We could… we could build an army of dryers! Maybe even a dishwasher, Morty!"

"Rick! Get rid of them! It thinks YOU'RE a Peridot!"

"Why are Peridots on Yellow Diamond's shit list?!" Rick shouted. "What could one Peridot have done to piss her off so badly?! They're so dumb and worthless, and they're designed to feed off of positive reinforcement and praise, none of them would even question her, Morty!"

"RICK!" Morty yelled. "Throw the goddamn shards away!"

Rick groaned and tossed the bag. The drone followed the bag. "Run Morty, run!" Rick and Morty ran. As they ran, they passed a large rock; Morty stubbed his toe on it.

"OW! J-jeez, that hurt!"

"Morty, look!" Rick said, pointing to the rock. "A hole, Morty! The rock is covering a hole! Help me move it, Morty!"

"Gee Rick, I- I guess we don't really have a choice." Rick and Morty moved the rock and, at Rick's insistence, climbed into the cavern below. It was dark, dank, and claustrophobic, but at least no Gems would find them down here.

"Alright, Morty," Rick said, "just hang tight while I try to find a way to circumvent the suppression field."

"What if we get caught?"

"We aren't going to get caught, Morty, believe me, they won't—" Rick bumped into another Gem. "Aw, shit. You know, Morty, if you keep distracting me like that, we might actually die here."

Morty just sighed.


	3. Chapter 3: Morty's Football

**A/N: I actually wasn't planning to write this story. I was writing a direct sequel to "Shattered Memberries", but I wanted to wait for South Park's 21st season to end before I started releasing chapters, so I did this one for fun. Probably was a good idea, considering I wound up scrapping most of that story's first chapter after it became clear that it directly conflicted with things the show was doing in the second half of the season. So I did this one just as a fun little side project, hence why I decided to set it on Homeworld instead of Earth. Anyway. Chapter 4 will be the last one. Enjoy.**

* * *

Morty sat at his desk and sipped his drink. He glanced at some paperwork on his desk and smirked. In front of him were several opinion polls. He eyed one in particular, from Ricksmussen Reports. 44% approval. Pretty good, for a Morty. Life was good.

This was not Morty C-131, obviously. This Morty knew what he was doing. What he wanted to do. How he would do it. This Morty had a plan. This Morty had ambitions. This was the Morty that abolished the Shadow Council of Ricks. This Morty was the leader of the free Ricks and Morties.

This Morty was the President of the Citadel.

He sighed and reclined in his seat. His plan required a lot of waiting around. As much as President Morty hated waiting, he knew it was unavoidable. As such, he decided to simply enjoy his luxurious office, for the time being. Peace and quiet was all he needed right now.

Unfortunately, that peace and quiet was quickly interrupted by Condoleezza Rick, the Citadel Secretary of State. "Mr. President, we—" he burped "—we have a problem."

President Morty glared at the Secretary of State briefly, before returning his eyes to his polls. "What is it?"

"A Rick has been compromised, he—he and his Morty have been taken by a hostile alien in his dimension."

"Which one?"

Condoleezza Rick thought for a moment. "C-131, sir. F-Fan Rick."

President Morty shrugged. "Prepare a memorial service for his Beth and Summer. And Jerry, if he's still got one. Better yet, get one of the Rickless Morties and one of the Mortyless Ricks, assign them together, and send them to C-131 to replace the old ones."

"S-sir? He isn't dead yet."

"Ricks die all the time, Rick," President Morty lamented. "Isn't it best to be prepared for that possibility? Likelihood, even?"

"Rick C-131 is like Terror Rick in a lot of ways, Mr. President. He doesn't go easy. But I do think we ought to do something."

"Why waste the resources? There's an infinite number of—"

"An infinite number of Ricks and Morties, yeah, I know," Condoleezza Rick rolled his eyes. "These are special circumstances, Morty."

"I'd advise you to not take that sort of tone with me," President Morty threatened. "You wouldn't want to end up like Ricks Tillerson or Hilldog Rick, would you?"

Condoleezza Rick's eyes widened, and he coughed nervously. "U-uh, what I meant was, uh, Mr. President, was that we might be dealing with more than just a dead Rick here."

"How so?"

"Fan Rick wasn't just captured by any old alien dickhead," Condoleezza Rick explained. "He was captured on one of the most dangerous planets in Dimension C-131."

"Gromflom Prime?"

Condoleezza Rick shook his head. "The Galactic Federation is still a problem in his dimension, but no. We're dealing with a planet far more problematic, both for him and for the Citadel."

"Well, spit it out. Who's got him?"

Condoleezza Rick hesitated. "G-Geminga 7. The Gem Homeworld."

It was President Morty's turn to widen his eyes. "So, they're still a problem for him, too."

"We believe the Great Diamond Authority of C-131 may be close to developing their own portal gun formula. As I'm sure you know, being able to pick a Rick's brains would allow them to complete their formula. Which would compromise the security of the Citadel..."

Condoleezza Rick scratched the back of his head. "Basically, what we're dealing with is this; if that Rick doesn't make a safe getaway, we've got an interdimensional war against an infinite number of nigh-unkillable super soldiers who have perfected cloning to the point that they're so fast, even infinite Super Ricks would still be more finite than infinite super soldiers. It's _Infinity War_ times infinity. Which is still infinity, but, you know, versus slower infinity."

President Morty leaned back in his seat. "So what are our options?"

"Well, when Terror Rick was captured by the Gromflomites from his dimension, the previous administration sent in Seal Team Ricks to assassinate him before they could get any substantive information out of him."

"And look how that turned out," President Morty scoffed. "Anything else?"

"Beyond killing him? No. Not without risking compromising a different Rick."

"You know what? Let's see how this plays out. I want to see if this Rick can get himself out of this mess."

"If you insist, sir. W-we'll keep you updated on the situation." Condoleezza Rick left the room and travelled down the hallway. He turned on his earpiece and addressed several other Ricks and Morties in the cabinet. "President Morty doesn't want us to interfere. It's time for Operation: He's Not The Boss of Us, We'll Do What We Want."

* * *

Our Rick and our Morty stared at the new Gem...s? Morty blinked, a dumb look appearing on his face. He saw two faces, but the Gems were conjoined at the hip. Siamese Gems.

Siamese.

Morty met Siamese aliens all the time, so he was immediately bored. Once again, this had turned into a standard adventure and like all standard adventures, Rick was going to take all of the magic out of—

"Holy shit Morty, we're saved!" Rick said.

"What?"

"These two are outcasts, Morty. Gem society, you know, they throw out the weakest links, all of the defective Gems, Morty, they—they're forced to live in hiding!"

"Oh no," one head muttered.

"Are you going to turn us in?" the other asked.

"No!" Morty defended. "No, no, we're on the run too! We're from Earth, and—"

"Earth?" one head asked.

"You better come with us," the other replied.

"We know someone who might want to meet you."

Rick raised one side of his unibrow and retrieved a flask from his coat pocket. "Okay, but—but you aren't going to eat our flesh for sustenance, are you?"

"RICK!"

"I'm just making sure, Morty, a freak is a freak, it doesn't matter what planet they're from."

Morty sighed. "I- I'm really sorry about Rick. He's missing that part of his brain that censors the things he says, you know, like that one really old lady from the Golden Girls."

Rick raised a finger. "Actually Morty, Estelle Getty was a year younger than Bea Arthur. She just plays old really well."

"Well, I mean, you know Rick, they were all old, that was the point of the show."

"Right, but you described Estelle Getty as the oldest."

"I— no I didn't, I just said she played the oldest one, which she did."

"You said 'that one really old lady from the Golden Girls,'" Rick argued. "One could draw two different logical conclusions from that statement, I just happened to draw the one that proves you don't know what you're talking about."

Morty glanced about the cavern they were walking through, which got less and less crowded as they walked. "Yeah, well, you know, it's… Uh… Hey, what are your names?" Morty asked his escort.

"Rutile."

"...both of you?" Morty didn't receive an answer, but he did have more questions. "Hey, what—what are all of these holes for?" Morty asked. "They look—they look like people holes."

"Okay Morty, first of all, don't say 'people holes' again," Rick scolded. "Second of all, they're Gem holes. We're in a Kindergarten."

One Rutile head nodded. "This one was one of the largest on Homeworld."

"Or so we've been told," the other finished.

"Gems, Morty, they're grown like vegetables," Rick explained. "The more perfect the vegetable, the more obedient the warrior."

"That's why we were cast aside," Rutile continued Rick's thought. "We're imperfect. We all were."

"'We all?'" Morty repeated. "There's more of you?"

"You've created an underground society of outcasts," Rick concluded. "And you've been surviving for how long?"

"Oh, we've lost track," one Rutile head answered.

"There's not a whole lot of us," the other continued. "Besides ourselves, there's Fluorite, Rhodonite, Padparadscha, Lars—"

"Okay, I assume Fluorite and Rhodonite are fusions," Rick began, although he knew most of it was flying completely over Morty's head, "but who the hell is 'Lars'? Is that like a nickname or something? What's her gemstone?"

Both Rutile twins hummed. "Hmm. I don't believe Lars has a gemstone. Do most humans have gemstones?"

Morty blinked. "There are other humans on this planet?"

Rick shook his head. "No, no, no, that's impossible. Unless something's changed since the last time I was here—and besides the stricter security, not much is different—the only humans who could have gotten anywhere NEAR Geminga 7 are prisoners who were kidnapped and brought to the Zoo. And a zoo this ain't. I wish it was. This is a very strict bureaucracy and I hate bureaucrats."

"You're here, aren't you?"

There was a beat of silence. Rick just blinked and looked at Rutile with an empty glare.

"Fuck you," Rick said finally after a moment of total silence. Morty groaned and placed a hand over his face. "Fuck you too, Morty, this Gem is trying to pull a fast one on us. She wants to kill us and eat our flesh."

The group entered a large room in the cavern with even more Gem Holes. Every part of the wall had one. Rick had to admit, this WAS the largest Kindergarten he'd ever seen, although, to be fair, he'd only seen three, all of them on Earth; the Prime Kindergarten in West Virginia; the Beta Kindergarten in Arizona; and a third Kindergarten in Colorado. That last one was prepared, but never activated, which was why Rick had memorized its exact location and checked up on it every now and again.

Morty looked about in awe. "Wow… People really came from all of these holes?"

Each Rutile raised its respective hand up to rest its respective finger on its respective chin. "Hmmm. The others should be around here somewhere…"

Suddenly, another Gem jumped out from behind a pillar, startling Morty. "Hey-ooooh, it's me, Beryl!" she shouted; although, to Morty, this Gem sounded like a man. She was tall, had short, buzzed hair, and sported many different shades of blue and green across her body. The most notable thing about her was that her body was covered in hands, which was more than a little disturbing. The second-most notable thing about her, at least in Morty's mind, was that she sounded like a Meeseeks, or Mr. Poopy Butthole, or Noob Noob, or… Somebody Morty saw on Interdimensional Cable.

"That's Beryl," Rutile repeated. "She's one of the newest members of our group."

"You might be wonderin' what's wrong with me!" said Beryl. "It's— so I- you know, I got all these hands. I'm actually… like… a billion gems' worth of hands! Yup! There's some Aquamarine in here… and some Emerald, and… other things. See, back in the kindergarten, I absorbed, like, four or five rows and columns of Gems and it all got mushed together and made me! Ooo-wee! Take a look at my gemstone!"

Beryl raised her right arm and showed Morty. Her gemstone was cylindrical in shape, although unlike most of the Gems Morty had seen thusfar, it was not a neat cut. Lumps could be seen all around, and the gemstone was actually multicolored. In addition, the gemstone actually took the place of her right hand.

"Tragically, I'm actually right-handed, on account of my Gem being on the right side of my body, and all these other hands are left hands." Beryl paused for an awkward moment. "Also, they're vestigial. I can't move these lefties, no sireeee-eeee! So I became an outcast from society, on account of my many left hands I can't use. Only left hands. Yup. No right hands."

Morty blinked. "Hey, you know Rick, that— this Gem doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, Rick."

"Don't think about it too hard, Morty," Rick muttered, shaking his head.

Beryl glanced behind herself. "Hey, everyone, come on out, we got a bunch-a Larses over here!" she shouted. Exactly on cue, Morty saw more Gems exit from places they'd been hiding. At first glance, he only saw two more.

"Everyone!" one of them—the shorter one—exclaimed. "I've got terrific news! The Rutile twins will be approached further up the cavern by two new visitors!"

Morty raised his lower eyelids in confusion. "What?"

"That's Padparadscha," Rutile explained. "She can see into the future! ...but only after the future has become the past."

The taller one's four eyes widened when she saw Rick and Morty, and she brought her four forearms up in shock. "You brought visitors? Why?! Visitors could be bad!"

Morty held his hands up and shook his head. "We're cool! Not hiding any weapons!"

"I'm hiding several," Rick corrected.

" _I'm_ not hiding any weapons!"

"It's alright, Rhodonite," Rutile assured her friend. "They're friendly."

"Relative to everyone on the surface, at least," Rick conceded. "Okay, so we've got a fusion, Siamese Gems, someone with a SUPER delayed reaction time, and Mr. Hands."

"Mr. Left Hands!" Beryl chirped enthusiastically. "And they're all vestigial!"

"Anyone else?" Rick continued. "You mentioned Fluorite? Where's— _holy shit,_ " he said, staring up at the large caterpillar-like fusion that was now emerging from behind a pillar.

"Hmmmm…" the fusion hummed slowly. "New… visitors. How peculiar…" she said, slowly.

Rick blinked. "Alright, there's Fluorite. That's, uh… that sure is something. Anyone else?"

"Ow!" Rick heard a nasally voice from behind another pillar. "Your feet are on my face, you insolent lump!"

"Hold still, we're going to fall over!"

"You hold still! I'm trying to—WHOA!" Rick watched as three more Gems fell over, having previously been stacked on top of each other in an attempt to hide.

"Huh, guess there are still some Peridots left," Rick muttered, as the three Peridots in question stood up.

So as to alleviate his own internal confusion, Morty mentally named them based on where their gemstones were placed. He named the one on the left Army, the one on the right Leggy, and the one in the middle… Crotchy.

"When we heard that a Peridot on Earth had betrayed the authority, we knew we had to run!" Crotchy exclaimed.

"Do you know what the penalty for treason is?" Army asked. "Screw that noise! We got out of there as soon as possible."

"Eventually, we met the Off-Colors, and they took us in," Leggy concluded. "For the lumps they are, they helped us a lot, so now we help them any way we can!"

Padparadscha crossed her arms indignantly. "My reactions are not _that_ delayed."

"Right now, they're trying to help us repair an old broken-down spaceship," Rutile explained.

"What for?" Morty asked.

"It's for me," he heard yet another voice respond—this one was male. Rick and Morty looked over at the shadows to greet the new face. Rick's eyes widened as the figure stepped into the light, revealing himself to be a teenaged human boy, with what appeared to be dyed hair and very peachy skin. "We're trying to find a way back to Earth, where the Off Colors can live in peace and I can go back to my day job. ...and maybe get a haircut, or something."

Morty stepped forward. "H-hey, look, Rick, it's another human!" He held out his hand. "I'm Morty. That's my grandfather, Rick."

"Lars," the boy said, shaking Morty's hand. "How'd you get on this planet?"

"Rick tried scamming Gazorpazorpians and we got lost."

"First of all, Morty, I was going to scam TILAPIANS. Gazorpazorp had the toll booth, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"Second of all, we didn't get lost. We were caught in a tractor beam."

"Wait. Wait. Hold up," Lars interrupted. "Tractor beam? You were captured in SPACE? You have a SPACE SHIP?"

"HAD a space ship," Rick corrected. "It was confiscated and probably dismantled." He glanced at all of the Off Colors. "And it definitely wouldn't have fit all of you, so before you ask, no, you can't hitch a ride."

"Ah," Lars groaned, disappointed. "Rats. Thought you guys might be our way off this planet." He shrugged, however, and lowered his head. "Whatever, you guys wanna get back to Earth?"

Rick glared. "Yeah, uh, I thought that part was fairly self-evident. We don't plan on being here very long."

"Alright. Get in my hair."

Beat.

"What-"

"Just put your hand in my hair, you'll see what I mean."

Rick and Morty glanced at each other. Morty shrugged and began to feel Lars's hair—and his hand sunk in, with no resistance at all! "AH! Shit! R-Rick, my hand, Rick!"

Rick's eyes widened. "Holy shit, Morty, this kid's got a motherfuckin' pocket dimension in his HAIR!"

"My hair is connected to the mane of a lion back on Earth," Lars explained as Morty yanked his hand out. "I… died several months ago. My friend was able to bring me back, but not exactly the right way. So now I'm just… this."

"A fruity zombie," Rick concluded.

"Something like that," Lars shrugged. "Anyway, talking about it is bumming me out, so… Do you want to get home or not?"

"Oh hell yeah, let's do it," Rick said as he grabbed Morty. "Alright Morty. Get in this kid's head."

"What?!"

"You heard him Morty, you have to get in this kid's head if you want to live. Come on Morty, just stick your whole foot in this kid's head, Morty," Rick continued to coax as he forced Morty's leg up.

"Rick, that— OW! Rick, that hurts!"

"Come on, Morty, get in this kid's head, you have to do it, Morty, just stick your entire body into this kid's head."

"Rick, hold on! Hold on, Rick!" Morty pushed his grandfather aside and turned to Lars. "You said all of these Gems were trying to get to Earth, too. Why haven't they gone through your hair, yet?"

Crotchy stepped forward. "Simple. Lars cannot travel through his own pocket dimension. We feel it would be… in poor taste to leave poor him here on Homeworld without us."

Fluorite nodded. "Oh… yes…" she confirmed slowly. "You see, Lars here is one of us… We are… family… and that means nobody gets left behind."

Morty smiled. "Aw, gee, Rick, you know, that's—that's kind of sweet, you know?"

"It's kind of stupid is what it is."

"Tell you what," Morty said, reaching into his grandfather's pocket.

"Morty, what are you doing?"

"We-we really have to get back to Earth," Morty said, grabbing Rick's portal gun. "But I don't want to leave without at least trying to help. So, here," he said, handing the gun to Lars.

"What is it?" he asked.

"None of your business, that's what," Rick protested.

"It's a portal gun," Morty ignored Rick. "It can take you between other dimensions, but more importantly, it can take you back to Earth. I-I left it on the setting that takes it back to Earth, and it's on a lock or something, so I don't think you can change it." Morty scratched his neck apprehensively. "It's broken right now, so when you try to use it, it only takes you across the room. But maybe your Peridot friends can figure out how it works and fix it, someday!"

Rick rolled his eyes. "I already told you, Morty, it isn't broken, there's a suppression field on this planet that prevents portaling in and out."

"Whatever. Maybe you can find a way around the suppression field."

"Doubt it."

Lars smiled. "Hey, thanks Morty."

"Don't 'thanks Morty' too eagerly, you can't have it," Rick said, grabbing the portal gun back. "Come on Morty, let's go."

"Rick!" Morty protested. "You've got plenty of those, this might be their only shot at getting home!"

"And if they're captured by the Diamonds? Then what happens, Morty?" Rick glanced over at the Peridot trio. "Better question, what if one of the Peridots over there decides that they can get back in the Authority's good graces by turning over their friends?"

Crotchy placed her hands on her hips. "Excuse you? If we were GOING to do that, we'd have done it FOREVER ago you insolent lump!"

Army nodded, glaring at Rick. "Yeah! We'd do anything for our friends!"

"Yeah, and you'd ALSO do anything to be recognized by your superiors," Rick dismissed. "You're Peridots, you're genetically predispositioned to be total suck-ups."

"Maybe the Peridots YOU'VE seen," Morty retorted, "but NONE of these Gems are 'normal' by the standards of the Authority! They don't abide by your pre-determined prototypes!"

"A Peridot is a Peridot, a Ruby is a Ruby, and a Pearl is a Pearl," Rick concluded. "They're all the same. Only the defective ones are different."

"Then we're defective!" Crotchy responded. "I'm okay with that!"

"Rick, give me the damn gun!" Morty yelled, grabbing the portal gun from Rick—a game of tug-of-war ensued.

"Whoa, Morty, it's fine, we don't need it," Lars said, holding his hands up as Rick and Morty fought over the device.

"Morty, let go of me!"

"Give it up, Rick!"

"You have no clue what you're doing, Morty!"

"NEITHER DO YOU!"

"He's a motherfuckin' Starboy, Morty, didn't you hear that song by The Weeknd? We can't trust them, Morty!"

Rick and Morty continued to wrestle the device from each other. Beryl ran between them, using her many hands to block the two.

"Hey, hey, hey now, why can't we all be friends?" Beryl asked. "Remember, that song? It goes like, 'Why can't weeee be friends, why can't weeee be friends, there's no need to fight over the portal gun, why can't weeeeee be frieeeeends?'"

Suddenly, the group heard a noise they definitely didn't need to hear right now; "Alright, team. Fan out and search the cavern!" Everyone stared fearfully at the cavern entrance.

"Oh, crap!" Lars exclaimed. "They found us again! You two have to get back to Earth, now."

"Wait, this location's been compromised before?" Rick asked. "And you STAYED here?! What's wrong with you?!"

"I didn't think they'd check the same place twice, okay?" Lars said, crossing his arms. "Rubies are REALLY dumb."

"Those didn't sound like Rubies…" Army muttered.

"Yeah," Morty agreed. "They sounded like…" he stared at Rick. "Rick."

"What?" Lars looked over at Rick. "What are you talking about, Rick's right..." he trailed off, staring at the cavern entrance.

Several more humans, exactly identical to Rick, had entered—and they were armed to the teeth.

Padparadscha perked up. "Everyone! Wonderful news! Rick and Morty have a teleportation device!"


End file.
